Dear Asshole Neighbor

Dear asshole neighbor –

Here’s the deal: I hate people who don’t pick up after their dogs. I probably hate them as much, or more, than you do. However, the fact that I’m walking a dog does NOT give you the right to approach me, a woman alone (with her dog) in a parking lot. It especially does not give you the right to approach me with an angry attitude.

Oh, and if you are going to approach me? Learn to ask a meaningful question. Just approaching me and asking “Is that your dog?” while pointing behind you is stupid. No, asshole, whatever you are pointing at is NOT my dog. My dog is on a leash connected to my hand. Then saying, “I KNOW that’s your dog” also doesn’t help me discern what you’re after, especially when it’s followed by, “Is THAT your dog” pointing behind you again.

I now understand that you’re pissed that someone is letting their dog poop in your yard and not cleaning it up. I don’t know that because you ever actually asked me. Instead, you used 2-word phrases that made you sound like a grunting caveman (which is also scary for a woman walking by herself in a parking lot). Somehow between the “walking there”, “my house”, and “poop” grunts, I figured out that you wanted to know if my dog was pooping in front of your yard.

When I tell you, “no”, and show you the empty bag I carry around to clean up after my dog, and tell you that I always clean up after my dog (and express as much in full sentences), your correct response should be to APOLOGIZE and walk away. It should not be to holler after me to pick up after my dog when she poops. NO SHIT ASSHOLE – I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I DO THAT. Maybe you were just confused by someone who uses complete sentences.

I’m tempted to hunt down your house, and bring the diaper pail that we keep our dog shit in until trash day, just to prove to you that I clean up after my dog. I trust that the smell alone would be proof enough, but if not, I’d be HAPPY to pull out every bag so you can inspect them. Instead, I’m writing you this note.

But if you EVER approach me again in the parking lot? I’m calling the cops to tell them you are threatening me. Because approaching a woman alone in a parking lot (with a very friendly dog) is NEVER okay, especially when you are mad. Asshole.

Sincerely fuck off,
B

Tags: rant