A Hi-Tech Prayer As I boot up my PC, my modem dialing next to me, I ask the Lord, give me a sign.... Will I ever get on-line????? If you'd kindly let me through, I'll byte no more than I can chew. I'll surf the waves amid the Net, with my mouse, my loyal pet. And through each window I will see the websites that are offered me. Resisting any chat room's lure, I'll download only what is pure. If system errors don't prevail, I vow to read all my e-mail. If you save me from a crash, I'll dump my games into the trash. Just please don't take my CD-ROM! Thank you Lord, God Bless.com --------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT YOUR COMPUTER IS TRYING TO TELL YOU It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks." It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMPUTERS IN HEAVEN Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, but how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- SIGNS OF COMPUTER ADDICTION 1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card. 2. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean... but darned if you can remember your wife's maiden name. 3. You sit in front of the TV...trying to type at a keyboard. 4. You find out that hemorrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're on the 'Net. 5. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM. 6. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes. 7. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are getting shorter and less frequent. 8. The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver. 9. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA. 10. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I finally got connected." 11. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom. 12. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to your server. 13. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to reserve for your Doctor. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO PROPER CARE OF FLOPPY DISKS 1. Never leave the diskette in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (using Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with Scotch tape to prevent data loss. 8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. See item 2 for more details. 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other documents stuck in the middle of your own. Scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11. Periodically spray the diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading. 12. Care should be taken to stop disks getting too cold. If they do, however, all is not lost. Simply put them in a preheated oven gas mark 9 (190C) for twenty minutes on a lightly greased baking tray. You should have no trouble with diskettes now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.