Titania by John Simmons

Humor Archive

For some reason, I was unable to just delete all those "humor" mailings that friends send to me. So, I've decided to collect them here rather than keeping them in a folder in my mailbox. The are somewhat organized, but, like the rest of my life, not overly so. Most of these pieces don't have authors, so if you know the author of a piece, and have some proof of it, please e-mail me . Please **DO NOT** mail me more humor - I get enough from my friends, and really don't have time for any more.

If you are easily offended, I've marked the pieces with offensive language with a  , but beware that it's likely that I've missed some.

Anything with a in front of it is something I remember laughing out loud while reading the first time.

Most recent files added 20 March 2003:  Microsoft Haiku  Stella Awards  Assasin Test  Warning for Women  Tiger Woods in a Buick  Fun at the OB/GYN  Cat's New Year's Resolutions  Dictionary for the Personal Ads  Workout Diary  Q&A on Healthy Eating

Categories

Techie Computer Engineer/CS/science Education Grad school Animals Cats Dogs Real life Darwin Awards Precious children Historical 80s and 90s Quotes Headlines/Weird signs/Silly typos Everything else Regional Workplace

Holidays Halloween Thanksgiving Christmas Religious Philosophy Men Women Blonde jokes Sex & Dating Star Wars and Star Trek Literary Political 2000 election Lists Story jokes Weird Facts/Why is it...lists Everything else

Techie

• Computer
• Microsoft Haiku
• Demon possessed computers
• If GM progressed as Microsoft
• Techie at the guillotine
• A few computer jokes
• Microsoft meets Mozart
• Sex of a computer
• The sex of a computer - 2
• Windows 98 for the south
• Timetraveller 1.02
• Viruses to look out for
• Sex Unix man page
• The creation program
• Microsoft help line call
• Nerd season
• Engineer/CS/science
• The thermodynamics of hell
• Why you should love a geekboy - not that some of us need a reason
• Astronomy song
• Perpetual motion machine
• Redneck professional engineering exam
• Carbon dating Barbie
• Techies hunting an elephant
• Man and woman on deserted island
• Einstein's chauffeur
• Long file of engineer humor
• Impure math story
• Cartoon physics
• Toaster

Education

• General
• Students take on world history
• Why grammar is important
• 50 things to do during a final that doesn't matter
• What Ph.D. really means
• Failure conference
• Bad similes
• You may have been in college too long...
• Department hierarchy
• How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
• 'Twas the night before finals
• High school versus college
• Top 10 reasons college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving
• MIT class evaluation
• Writing assignment
• Grad school
• Grad student Barbie
• Grad student game
• 26 reasons you might be a grad student

Animals

• General
• A newly discovered book in the Bible tells where pets came from
• Dolphin Intelligence
• Cats
• Cat's New Year's Resolutions
• Where cats come from
• Rules for cats
• A cat's diary
• Cat to English dictionary
• Cat haiku
• Cat quotes
• Cat quotes - 2
• Strict rules for stray cats
• Cat traits
• If Hamlet had been a cat
• Giving a cat a bath
• Giving pills to your cat or dog
• How to give your cat a bath
• How to Tell if Your Cat is Overweight
  
• Dogs
• Does your dog own you?
• A dog's New Year's resolutions
• If your dog were your teacher
• How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Real life - pieces that *claim* to come from real life or history

• Darwin awards - they have their own website: Darwin Awards - note, the years on the files may have nothing to do with the year that the award was "won"...those are just the years that I received the e-mails
• Weird death
• Darwin awards 1995
• Darwin awards 1997 - 1
• Darwin awards 1997 - 2
• Darwin awards 1997 - 3
• Darwin awards - 99
• Pumping - this particular story has been debunked as an urban legend by the Darwin Awards people; although, the Darwin Awards book says that pumping is a real thing
• Precious children
• The Bible interpreted by kids
• Aren't kids precious
• Aren't kids precious - 2
• Three little pigs ad-lib
• Wise advice from kids
• Things learned from kids
• Marriage advice from kids
• Special Occasions
• Child's First Job
• Dead Frog
  
• Historical stuff
• Tips for getting more efficiency out of female employees (from WWII-era)
• Historical origins for old sayings
• Did you know...
• 80s and 90s
• Child of the 80s - Part 1
• Child of the 80s - Part 2
• Child of the 80's - part 3
• Tickle me Elmo
• How you know you had too much of the 90's
• Quotes
• Courtroom quotes
• Real stories of job applicants
• Quotes from various comedians
• Quotes from flight attendants
• Dibert-esque quotes from bosses
• Answering machine messages
• Sport quotes
• When experts are wrong
• Headlines/Weird signs/silly typos
• Bloopers in church bulletins - 1
• Bloopers in church bulletins - 2
• Signs found in bathrooms
• Warning labels
• Weird bumper stickers
• Butt Naked general battles for peace
• Condom in a Big Mac
• Newspaper headlines
• Real signs
• More real signs
• Still more signs
• Real subtitles
• Odd signs from England
• Beware of dangerous moon
• True Tales from Travel Agents
• True Control Tower Stories
  
• Everything else
• Fun at the OB/GYN
• Stella Awards
• Chicken launching gun - According to Snopes.com , "There is at least one shred of truth in this tale -- the story did run in the November 1995 issue of Feathers, the California Poultry Industry Federation's newsletter." The chicken gun itself is real, and such tests take place with both frozen and thawed birds (though now fake birds are used by the U.S.) Snopes' full explanation of this story is here .
• Really bad date
• Embarrassing moments
• Dangerous green snakes
• Idiot sightings
• Real life idiots
• One man's bad day with a jellyfish
• Embarrassing Mom moment
• How the shuttle and a horse's ass are related - An urban legends reference page ( Snopes.com ) has this to say about this story, "This is one of those items that -- although wrong in many of its details -- isn't exactly false in an overall sense and is perhaps more fairly labeled as 'True, but for trivial and unremarkable reasons.'" (For the complete story from snopes.com, go here.)
• Super granny - Another urban legend, Snopes.com has an explanation here .
• True Las Vegas story - Another urban legend, Snopes.com has an explanation here.

Regional

• A Texas and a New York joke
• A Texas baby
• Texas jokes
• Austin jokes
• Texas travel advisory
• 40 things you would never hear a southerner say
• Southernisms
• Alabama jokes
• Hickbonics Dictionary
• Drunk drivers in Wisconsin
• The creation of Minnesota
• Ole and Sven joke
• Driving in the Twin Cities
• If cars had a black box
• Only in America
• Thermometer
• New state mottos
• New state mottos - 2
• Canadian on a train joke
• Irish jokes

Workplace

•   Try saying...
• Boss's words translated
• New element - adminstratium
• College versus work parties
• Corporate lessons
• Reasons to go to work naked
• Things you want to say at work, but can't
• Work versus a prison
• Test used by human resources
• The perfect employee
• Quiz to see if you could be a professional
• You might be an ER physician/nurse if...
• Doctor's phrases translated
• New wing on the hospital
• A code of ethical behavior for patients
• Doctor Stories
• Work rules
• 35 Things Not to Say at Work
• How to poop at work
• Office Dares
  

Holidays

• General
• Passover
• A redneck valentine poem
• Halloween
• Halloween safety tips
• Ten reasons Halloween is better than sex
• 20 things to do to confuse trick or treaters
• Best Comeback Line Ever
  
• Thanksgiving
• Dirty things said at Thanksgiving
• Thanksgiving without Martha Stewart
• Top 10 reasons college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving
• Christmas
• Barbie's letter to Santa
• Small town nativity
• Office Christmas..er..holiday party
• Santa's new contract
• The 12 days of Christmas
• 12 days of Christmas policy
• Physics of Santa Claus
• X-files Christmas
• 'Twas the night before finals
• 'Twas the night before Christmas as written by the government
• Christmas with Louise
• December Eating Protocols
• Dear Santa
  

Religious

• Drunken priest
• The true creation story
• Another creation story
• Jesus saves
• One for you, one for me
• Modern tale of Noah

Philosophy

• Chinese proverbs
• Why the chicken crossed the road
• Why the chicken crossed the road - 2
• Are you a god?
• Shit happens

Men

• Why men pee standing up
• 30 harsh things a woman can say to a naked man
• 3 blonde men
• 10 things men know about women
• Why being a guy is easier
• What your guy's name says about him
• A man answers a woman's questions
• Random jokes about men
• Seminars for men
• Why men shouldn't take notes
• Reasons why it's good to be a guy
• Why men should listen to women
• The perfect man
• Mostly men and women jokes - with a couple work jokes thrown in for good measure
• Men and women's interpretations of various phrases
• A Relationship Study
• Viagra Top Ten
  

Women

• General
• Assasin Test
• Laws for women to live by
• A single woman's prayer
• Be a bitch
• Benefits of being a woman
• A woman's random thoughts
• The rope
• Quotes from comediennes
• For women - 19 reasons it might be time to go home because you are too drunk
• A woman's diet
• A fairy tale
• Quotes by great women
• PMS jokes
  
• Blond jokes
• Warning for Women
• Fire at a blonde's house
• Really long file with blonde jokes
• A few more blonde jokes
• Blonde on the internet

Sex & Dating

• 81 things not to say during sex
• Pierre the fighter pilot
• Johnson demands a raise
• Typewriter sex
• She said/he said
• Men versus women
• Dictionary for the Personal Ads

Star Wars and Star Trek

• Pimped up Star Wars
• Find out your Star Wars name
• Job opening in the Empire
• Death Star daycare center
• Questionable Star Wars quotes
• You might be a Jedi redneck if...
• Kirk versus Picard

"Literary"

• Failed Golden Books
• A lost Dr. Seuss story
• Dr. Seuss rejects
• If Dr. Seuss had written a technical manual
• If Poe had a computer
• Find your silly name - this is based on a children's book...the reference is in the file
• Best of a merged book contest
• The world's shortest books
• Concise essay contest
• Changed foreign phrases

Political

• General
• The 11th commandment
• Simplified 2000 taxes
• Al Gore quotes
• Newt
• Chelsea's letter home
• Clinton staffers at the pearly gates
• 2000 Presidential election
• G.W. is a fence post turtle
• Gore and Bush at breakfast
• 2000 election poems
• England revokes the US's independence over 2000 election

Lists

• When I become an Evil Overlord... - this is probably my favorite thing on this page; it's long, but worth it!
• 50 things to do in an elevator
• Top ten worst cartoon characters of all time
• 32 ways to annoy people
• 22 politically correct ways to tell someone they are stupid
• Don't worry, be crabby
• Things to say when you are under high stress
• Ways to keep yourself sane while driving others insane
• Things to say when you want to be left alone
• Daily affirmations
• Uses for the word f%$#
• Hot enough out for you?
• You know you're too drunk...
• 26 signs you might be a grown-up
• Housekeeping tips  
  

Story-type jokes

• Another drunk tale
• Fishing Vacation
• Jack and Jill get married
• Vacation joke
• Just a couple story-type jokes
• A small lady at the doctor's office
• Three women working in the same office...
• Sisters of Mercy
• Bar jokes
• The island
• Old ladies driving
• Selling Bibles
• Chicken and horse story
• Don't lie to your mother
• Tater story
• A few random jokes
• The firetruck
• Sanity
• Speeder?
• Bad sea joke
• Bad math joke
• Modernized Ant and Grasshopper
• Turn About Is Fair Play
  

Weird Facts/"Why is it..." lists

• Factoids
• Questions to ponder
• Wise words
• Amusing facts
• Why is it...
• Why is it... - 2

Everything else

• Q&A on Healthy Eating
• Workout Diary
• Tiger Woods in a Buick
• The rules of chocolate
• If paint were sold like airline tickets
• Useful conversion factors
• Some cool anagrams
• Asscons (like emoticons, but with butts)
• Story featuring candy
• Quickie jokes
• Procrastinator's Creed
• A few riddles
• Intellectually deprived people
• Definition of success
• Van Gogh's family
• Owner's Manual
• Car personalities
• Cow dealer
• Unibomber puns
• Dear Dr. Laura letter
• Bad Puns
• Weird Marriages
• Fat Theology