Titania by John Simmons

Quotable Quotes

Occasionally a friend will say something which merits further contemplation.  These are not those quotes.  Rather, I have compiled a list of weird and/or funny things that have popped out of friends' mouths.  Enjoy!  And remember, your quote wouldn't be here if I didn't love you (nope, I couldn't do that one with a straight face. Oh well.)

Schlake has stolen some of these quotes for his quote page, but he also has many of his own. So if you enjoy this sort of thing, visit his quote page .

Also, if you haven't seen my professor quote page, check it out here .

Disclaimer: Depending on your upbringing, you may be offended by some of these quotes, since many contain sexual references and strong language. Reader beware.

Last update: 16 October 2001

I'm not sacred anymore, people have been biting me in various places
-- Barb

If I have a suck, and my suck hurts...that's kind of odd.
-- Mushi

You'd be pretty amusing in drag, Schlake.  You'd be a humongous woman.
-- Mushi

We just put it in his mouth and squirt.  He'll have blood sugar almost immediately.
-- Schlake, about some weird person

You're sucking on a frozen phallus, just thought you should know.
-- Barb

Schlake: You've been touching yourself, haven't you?
Barb: No, actually I haven't.

I can't even imagine making love to a man.  It must be really
disgusting.
-- Bob

Lard will hold the thing in?
-- Mushi

The only two things I can't do without are chocolate and sex.
-- Liz

Tony: You aren't going to let him breed, are you?
Chewy: Not with me he's not.
-- about Schlake

Let me dig it out...It will only take just a minute.
-- Schlake

I LIKE to fondle my phun physics phallus.
-- Barb and Mushi

Oh good, now my manager is telling me what kind of underwear he has.
-- Kirsten

Once you're wedged, you're fucked.
-- Rayzor

Just so your pen will ring, which is in your butt.  What's that man doing mommy?
-- Bob on...need you ask?

I don't need a big tongue, I just need a big mouth.
-- Liz

You bite him, then you don't touch me.
-- Chewy

He got up and left because I was vibrating him.
-- Kirsten

Yes, I'm starting to open up...
-- Matt (Frank)

You just pull the right cord and it comes.
-- Barb, about Kscott's feet

Mushi: I'm walking around with a spatula.
Barb: For why?
Mushi: Because if fits in my mouth.

It was after I got my blow job.  I squirted it over Dave, into the next booth.
-- Schlake, describing stupid straw tricks at Denny's

I had to repack your rear end.  I hope I did it correctly.
-- Schlake

She's got to make my penis!
-- Barb

I went in the bathroom by myself in the dark and felt for it.
-- Chewy

No, he hasn't eaten it, he's trying to stick it to Lego pieces.
-- Jeff discussing Schlake

Don't take off until I've got these between my legs.
-- Mushi

Some of the holes are easier than others.
-- Barb

Is this going to chafe?
-- Barb as Schlake ties her up

I'm going to bed. You were talking about starting up a woman...that's all I need.
-- Barb, expressing surprise that Schlake is leaving

He's got six balls.  Two if you count the ones that are attached.
-- Schlake on Kscott

That's because you didn't seal your lips very well around what you were sucking on.
-- Mushi, explaining....to Schlake

I can't breathe in.  I can't breathe out. I'm going to turn blue and die!
-- Barb on the quantum mechanics of muffin crumbs

Relax your cheeks! Relax your cheeks!
-- John, standing behind Matt

Let's decompose and enjoy assembling
-- directions for fun ball puzzle

I smell like salvia, but it's not mine.
-- Barb

Put this bitch down.
-- Mushi on Mushi

It's just me and Kirsten, and she's getting eaten.
-- Barb

It felt a lot different when you were in it than it looks from the outside.
-- Bob

I know the names of all the little bits.
-- Phil

I have to hold on to my object to think.
-- Bob

Be careful, this is powerful stinky.
-- Bob

Yeah, that's bigger than mine.
-- Matt in a room alone with Bob

These are the fat, fun sheep.
-- Crash

Pulled the eraser out with my ass, so the lead went everywhere.
-- Mushi

Bob: I was trying to hit Kscott in the crotch...
Barb: And you hit me in the eye.

It wasn't stuck, it was just...oh god!
-- Barb

You just pop it on the board and woo-hoo, you're doing math!
-- Steve

I'm sorry, but no -- he would've, yes.
-- Barb, after too much homework

Now that Barb has someone to paddle, she's going, "Stroke, stroke, stroke."
-- Schlake

Mushi: I'm neurotic, and I'm going to eat you.
Matt: Yeah, that's a good date.

All I see is your ass and part of a cat.
-- Mushi to Schlake

Why would you want to cleabe a buver?
-- Chewy

Ooh! It squirted and I'm all sticky now.
-- Kscott

I was designed for having children and raising crops.
-- Mushi

It's like velcro; you can get stuck.
-- Tony, discussing hairy men with hairy women

I don't care.  I just care about what makes me go.
-- Barb

Because knobs are nice.
-- Spudboy

If I'm going to crawl around on my butt, I'm gonna be naked.
-- Bob

I was dipping my thing in the sauce.
-- Barb

Jeff: This tool...
Kirsten: opens my tailgate.

Your mouth has to be open to play with the este.
-- Spudboy

Mushi: Matt...
Matt: Am I still helping? Don't tell me it's too soft.
Mushi: It's too hard!

Everybody knows that when Barb uses her imagination, you'd better get off quick.
-- Mushi

She started chasing me and things came up quickly.
-- Jeff on Mushi

I wonder who he's smelling. I don't remember who drooled on me last.
-- Kirsten

I'm going to stop licking you. Every time I do, something gets aimed at my head.
-- Joleen to Schlake

Study what Kscott does in the office late at night really loud.
-- Schlake

I'm going to replace my acrylic ball soon.
-- Schlake discussing an 8-ball

I'm used to feeling soft, gushy instead of hard stuff over soft stuff.
-- Mushi, about a waterbed

He's all, there's jiggling between my legs and I don't know what to do about it.
-- Kirsten

I can't get into you from here.
-- Bob

Wow, and it's really long, too!
-- Matt

You don't know how happy I am to get that thing in my mouth.
-- Schlake

I have exactly two shoes, and that's just great.
-- Mushi

I'm not Bob, and this is not his finger.
-- Barb

It was hard enough to get people to do when it was firm, but now that it's all mushy...
-- Bob

After two or three knocks I start to get a headache.
-- Barb

Now might be an appropriate time to put it in.
-- Barb on complex roots

I will share my lollipop with a dog, but I won't suck on his balls.
-- Kirsten

That's so cool. I would never have found these by groping.
-- Barb

Where are we going? Why are we going in circles? What's that smell?
-- Mushi

Roll him over Chewy...
-- Barb, about Schlake

If you are done with it, you can take it out.
-- Bob

You can just bite me; I'm gonna pee.
-- Barb

Do I have a hole in my butt?
-- Bob

It's amazing how many things you have to stuff things in on your person.
-- Mushi, about Barb

Can I look at your utensil?  It's all twisted up, you better take it back.
-- Joleen

He takes a brand new slinky out of the box and says -- wow! It's got that brand new slinky feel.
-- Tony

He just damaged my Lego sword giving my Lego skeleton an erection.  Now he's using a Lego paddle for the phallus of a Lego man humping a Lego cannon and he's making really strange sounds.  Schlake scares me sometimes.
-- Spudboy

It's true that my penis is very small, but it's not true about the Hamsters!  Dammit...
--Bob.

Kscott: That must hurt.
Schlake: I just blew snot all over the front of myself, but I didn't open my mouth and spray doughnut!  (who sprayed doughnut after saying it)

I can only imagine what you would do if I went for your crotch.
--Barb, to Matt

Roll him over Chewy
--Barb, planning on bursting into where Schlake sleeps with a jar of mustard and some butter (lubricant)

Schlake is more likely to stick a jar of mustard in his butt for a dollar than to drink/eat all the mustard.
--Spudboy

Kscott just stuck my CSM sign into his ear, and then said "If I stick this in my ear I can taste it". He can't taste it in his left ear, leading him to believe he is right eared.
--Schlake

K. Scott: Tying yourself to a chair?
Schlake: Yah, I needed some kind of loop in my crotch.

Just give me the free goodies.
--Kevin

If you are in need of a good thumping, that would be my job.
--Sweetie

Oooo....it pops up!
--Sweetie

That's just too big!
--Nate

I need to scream like a fool on top of Batman.
--Kim

Could someone pull it out?
--Dave

I tend to itch.
--Jen

When you castrate them, they scream like hell, but otherwise they're pretty quiet.
--Andy (in IL, not Andy from MN and not Andrew who will appear later in the list)

I was looking at his instrument.
--Rachael (looking at statue of a naked man)

I go both ways.
--Barb

I'm just laying kings right and left.
--Tammy

I've seen them go in harder than that.
--Kevin

Does it hurt when I put it in?
--Marge

No..but I was scratching my ass if that matters.
--Dave

I have more women than I have men.
--Barb

A flaccid weenie is not a good weenie.
--Jen

The flesh should be firm, not gushy.
--Tammy

Fondle me BEFORE you grab the nuts.
--Barb

Sweetie: You aren't going to spit at me, are you?
Barb: No, I'm going to swallow.

I can juggle, but I can't keep my balls together.
--Crash

Yours hang better than mine.
--Barb

I can think of worse things to put on your body.
--Donna

The universe has pooped on my shoes again.
--Jocco

Go back and tell of your inflatable friend Diana.
--Sweetie

I don't know whose house I was sleeping at when things were happening.
--Barb

Quit your bitching! It wouldn't be s'nasty if you weren't squirmin' s'much.
--Mushi

I can't spread my legs wide enough.
--Mushi

I don't know what it was, but she seemed very excited about it.
--Barb about Barb

I think the main problem, though, is that I'm just dumb.
--Barb

He doesn't have to be a Prince Charming, but he better be a toad you like.
--Donna

Let's not have a rat-off in Kscott's chest.
--Kscott

Barb: Mine's more concentrated...
Crash: ...in your thighs.

It doesn't feel real, despite the fact that I'm getting fat and wearing ugly clothes.
--Kirsten

Maybe I'll just have to smell your wieners.
--Sweetie

Sorry...these are larger than I'm used to.
--Barb

If you don't like it, just tell me and I'll pop it out.
--Andrew

My butt is still almost entirely squishy.
--Crash

There's a whole different smell in kid-town.
--Mushi

I was expecting it in the ass but got it in the arm.
--Barb

I'm not about to wear a pineapple on my hoo-ha.
--Barb

Mushi really needs boning.
--Barb

Theta's not easy to grease?
--Kayhan

I'm not as stupid as I look while doing solid state physics.
--Barb

Barb, you need to lube your buttons.
--Kayhan

That doesn't look like stirring...it looks like pumping to me.
--Carla

Diana brings out the nakedness in all of us.
--Nick

Sweetie: Is Andy Warhol still alive?
Several people at party: No.
Sweetie: Shoot. I wanted him to do my ass.

I have Tupperware aplenty...because I'm a goat-man.
--Andrew

Do you want me to take it in the back?
--Mushi

Artists could save the world if they weren't so cranky.
--Barb

If you don't hold it, not much happens.
--Mushi

I'm satiable...sometimes.
--Barb

No more so than I usually bounce out.
--Barb

You have to make sure you seal the rear end while you're eating the other end.
--Barb (about eating a soft taco...really!)

I need to fix Scott's thing.
[...later]
I have not been able to get to Scott's thing yet but will try to shortly.
--Lorna

WoooHooo!!!!  I got to jiggle Barb's batteries!!
--Donna (from an e-mail)

It's a come-from-behind shocker, just like you like.
--Andrew

It's hard to giggle and do it cuz you run out of tongue.
--Mushi