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In which I feel self pity

Posted by barb on Feb 28, 2008 in Random Thoughts

Feeling awful all the time takes a toll after a while. I know that should be obvious, but I rarely stop to think about it. For me, headaches are the norm in my life, and I generally can’t afford to let it get in my way. Some days, though, I just don’t know if I can deal with it.

Take today, for example. My headache isn’t particularly bad today, perhaps worse than an average day, but a far cry from a typical “bad day”. Oddly enough, my headache seems to be migrating today. For a while this morning it had settled into my forehead, which was accompanied by a little bit of dizziness. Now it’s wandered to the back of my head, making my neck ache. I really just want to crawl back into bed in hopes of my headache lessening, but I feel like if I give in today, then I’ll start to give in every day.

Instead, I’m trying to work on my thesis, but I’m not being overly successful. I’ve managed to work a little on my research, but only the simplest thing I can do. Complex physics is just too much to take on right now. But I really need to get at some of that complex physics so that I can write a good introduction for my thesis. If I feel like this tomorrow, I’m going to have to just power through it and work those brain cells.

It’s frustrating because I never feel well. My head always hurts. I can’t let it stop me from day-to-day life, and right now my day-to-day life includes writing my PhD thesis. Today I’m giving in a little to feeling badly, but at a cost of having to push myself tomorrow, not matter how I feel tomorrow.

Sidenote: The headache has now migrated to the top of my head. This is really odd. It seems to be making a path for maximum discomfort – I’m still feeling the dizziness occasionally from the forehead-phase of the headache and my neck is still achy from the back-of-the-head-phase of the headache. Just when I thought it couldn’t get more annoying than just having headache everyday.

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Gah.

Posted by barb on Jan 11, 2008 in Random Thoughts, Thesis/Grad Life

Does it go without saying that right now, when I’m already behind making my deadline for one of my thesis chapters, is not a good time to be sick? Again.

Gah!!!!!!!!!!

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Migraine Dreams

Posted by barb on Mar 17, 2006 in Random Thoughts

My plan last night was to go to a movie with Andrew, then go home and drink a pitcher of margaritas (due to a stressful day at work). Instead, I went to a movie with Andrew, and then went home to bed with a migraine. I’d rather have had the margaritas.

Normally I don’t remember dreams during a migraine sleep, but last night I remembered a few. Yikes.

The first dream I had, during the worst part of my migraine started with Andrew and I underwater. We had a clear bubble-thing over our heads so that we could breath, but our legs were in the water and we walked along a reef. We were following a tiger shark to find where it hibernated (yes I know that sharks don’t hibernate, but this is a dream, so anything can happen). On the way we saw a “coral snake” in the muck. When we found the hibernating tiger sharks, we switched to an opaque breathing bubble so that we could hide if the sharks woke up.

Eventually Andrew left the bubble to check out some things, and shortly after that the room we were in (the ocean changed from an ocean to a flooded-out room, but with really high ceilings and mushy-ocean-like floors) started getting more air in it. Rather than the air rising to the surface, an odd layer of air formed so that there was a few inches of water on the floor and then the water picked up again near the celing of the room. I took a shower in this odd underwater room, but kept feeling like there was less and less oxygen available. After my shower, I saw an alligator chase one of the tiger sharks in the layer of water above me.

Eventually Andrew came back and we left the room, being careful not to upset the coral snake. Shortly after that I woke up.

So, a dream featuring a snake, sharks, and an alligator, all underwater. According to Dream Moods, these all indicate being wrapped up in emotions. Hmmm…maybe because of bad news at work?

Read more…

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Mental Note

Posted by barb on Feb 26, 2006 in Random Thoughts

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever let the supply of Gas-X with simethicone in the house run out. Ever.

Especially when my loving, caring husband is going to be out of town for a week and I’m going to be stupid and have spicy Chinese food.

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Mental Note…

Posted by barb on Jan 23, 2006 in Random Thoughts

Drink a lot of water with the prozac in the morning. Otherwise, it seems to lodge somewhere, the capsule breaks apart, and I belch up prozac into my nose. This is not a pleasant experience.

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Dizzy day

Posted by barb on Nov 30, 2005 in Random Thoughts

My stomach is finally feeling normal again, and I wake up with the world spinning. Ugh. After e-mailing work, I went back to bed and slept until 11AM — yikes! I hope I’m not coming down with something.

On a positive note, Andrew left me a cherry cordial Kiss before taking his bag to work, just ‘cuz he knew I wanted to try them. Yum.

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I don’t bear dude

Posted by barb on Nov 27, 2005 in Random Thoughts

Hot peppers are not good for Barb’s stomach…not quite as bad as those onion rings, but bad enough.

Ugh. I had hot peppers on a sandwich from Potbelly Sandwich Works on Friday at lunch. About 12:30 AM I woke up with horrible stomach pains — a bit like trying to digest a brick all night. I didn’t get much sleep, but instead tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position (there wasn’t one). I kicked Andrew out of the bed around 1:30 AM (we have a guest bed, so it’s not like I made him sleep on the couch or anything).

Yesterday sucked all together — I ate Saltines and soup, but even those upset my stomach. Fortunately, VH1 had a marathon of Season 5 of Surreal Life. I watched way too many episodes of it, though not all of them.

Feeling much better today, though eating anything still upsets my stomach. I hate having acid reflux.

Note to self: no hot peppers, no onion rings.

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More Prozac, please

Posted by barb on Nov 14, 2005 in Random Thoughts

So, I’ve been on the Prozac for over a month now, enough time for the drug to have taken full effect, but I don’t notice much of a difference. Fortunately I don’t feel the heaviness in the morning that usually accompanies fall and winter mornings (imagine you’ve been out drinking all night, only to get back into bed at 5 AM, and then you have to get up at 6 AM for an important meeting at work – you know that heaviness that you feel at 6 AM? Yeah, I usually feel that *every morning* in the winter). Unfortunately, I still feel like crying most of the day. My evenings have consisted of huddling under blankets in front of the TV. Much of my work day is spent daydreaming about crawling back into bed when I get home or crawling under the desk to hide from the world.

I think I need to ask my doctor to up the dosage…she’s supposed to call me some day this week.

This also explains why blogging has been so light lately – I can hardly get myself moving during the day, let alone trying to come up with something meaningful or witty to write about here.

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Most expensive onion rings ever

Posted by barb on Oct 9, 2005 in Random Thoughts

Have I mentioned acid reflux? I promise that this isn’t going to turn into a constantly-bitching-about-my-health blog, because I really only have a couple health problems, but when they rear their ugly heads, it’s bad.

Friday night, Andrew and I decided to order in from a place that does pasta, pizza, subs, and yummy sides. I suggested that we get fries, since I’ve had a hankering for them for a week or so. Then I remembered that they also had onion rings, so I suggested that we get both and split them. So we did.

Now, my acid reflux is generally under control with high-dose Zantac everyday. That is, unless I eat something that my stomach really, really doesn’t like…such as onions or fried food. So, you can imagine what fried onions might do. Yup. I woke up Saturday morning at about 3:30 AM with a lead balloon in my stomach. I took some Gas-X, and kicked Andrew over to the guest bed so I could make a pile of pillows to elevate my head and neck from my stomach (this is supposed to help keep the acid in the stomach from rising into the esophagus). I can’t remember much more of yesterday – I got up several times to watch TV and try to eat something, but my stomach hurt too much to stay up for very long. Finally, this morning, I feel back to normal.

The worst part? Andrew and I had planned on going to Baltimore yesterday and spending the night. We had made reservations on hotels.com for a hotel near the Inner Harbor, and that reservation was non-refundable. Those onion rings, besides costing me an entire day of my life, also cost about $200 of lost-hotel-room. Sigh.

So, if you’re ever out with me, and I suggest onion rings or french fries, just smack me upside the head. Please.

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The Green Pill

Posted by barb on Oct 6, 2005 in Random Thoughts

I did it. I went to the doctor for my winter depression, and now I’m on Prozac. For years I’ve considered getting help for my winter depression. Two years ago, I tried light therapy using GE’s Reveal lightbulbs – it worked for the year, but last year they did nothing for me. So this year I’m using drugs. I’m not sure how I feel about it, though. I’ve resisted over the years because I just don’t like the idea of taking drugs to alter my brain. I have this general feeling that the drugs will “turn me into someone else”. What I haven’t realize, though, is that the depression really does turn me into someone else – someone I don’t like – and perhaps the Prozac can turn me back into the person I like.

I didn’t heed the caution about drowsiness yesterday, and found myself driving on the beltway with an overwhelming urge to close my eyes for just a second. I resisted (or I wouldn’t be here now), and this morning I’m waiting until I’m at work, with breakfast in my stomach, before taking the pill.

It’s only been a couple days, and it’s supposed to take 3-4 weeks for the drug to take full effect, but I’ve already noticed some changes. Yesterday I felt just a bit out of sorts – a bit more talky than normal, and just…um…off (hard to put into words). But, this morning I did not wake up with the weight I’d been feeling the last couple weeks. I did not want to assume the fetal position and cry. Maybe it’s just psychological at this point, but just maybe this little green pill is going to make winter bearable.

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