I was ready to be done with you sometime in the middle of the year. Honestly, I wanted 2010 to come quickly, and put you behind me. I truly believed that 2010 would be present the opportunity for a fresh start, a shiny new year to bring a new attitude.
Sadly, it looks like I may have misjudged you, 2009. I may have been ready to be done with you too quickly. Little did I realize how much 2010 would suck so early on.
Sure, I was uncertain of my job situation much of last year, working less than full time most of the year. I traveled for a few job interviews, from New Paltz, NY to Midland, TX. Finally offered a job in Mississippi the same week I found out I could stay at my current job. Not sure why I had to go through all the interviews…seems like it was for nothing; though I suppose whatever doesn’t kill you, blah blah.
But that all seems like a bad dream now. 2010? Has sucked worse in the first month than all of you, 2009, all put together. Okay sure, I love that our basement has been re-done, complete with a full storage room. But that doesn’t outweigh 2010’s bad stuff. Okay, I could deal with the dumping of snow….don’t like it much, but I can deal with it.
The topper is that we have two sick cats. Duncan has lost almost half his weight, and we can’t seem to get it back up. Ares has cancer, which we first found out about January 4. So far we have had a slew of tests for Ares, removed a tumor from his ass, and started chemotherapy. He’s doing really well, and each time we decide on another therapy or treatment, I do some soul searching to make sure that we’re doing the best thing for Ares. I don’t want to put him through stuff just because I don’t want to lose him – I want to make sure that his discomfort is short and has some measurable benefit. The good news is that cats don’t respond to chemo as violently as humans tend to. The bad news is that the chemo is our last shot – the cancer is a bad one, that tends not to respond to chemo, and tends to grow quickly. But at this point, it’s either chemo or making him comfortable….certainly not ready for that yet.
Anyway, 2009, I apologize for underestimating you. After seeing 2010, you’re not so bad.
A week ago yesterday I graduated! It was a moment I think many of us thought might never come, especially during the past 6 months, but I’m happy to say I did it.
I decided to go through ceremonies for several reasons — the first was that I promised my dad that I would. When I quit grad school in 2001 with “just” my master’s degree, I decided not to go through ceremonies, and my dad was fairly disappointed. I didn’t want to celebrate my master’s, though, because I felt like it was a defeat, rather than a triumph. I was quitting short of my goal.
More importantly, though, I feel like I needed the ceremony as a kind of closure. The defense was a bit of a let-down because I didn’t have the sense of accomplishment when I finished. The graduation ceremony gave me at least some of the sense of closure, the sense of accomplishment. I even walked away with a real diploma!
Here are a couple of pictures of my hooding ceremony, from Peter Teuben, a member of the astronomy department
Felicia graduated, too, and here she is in her regalia (I still need to make her hood, though):
I’ll post a report from the grad party that followed last Saturday later; hopefully tomorrow.
I suppose I haven’t blogged this here yet (though it did make it onto Galaxy Girl), but I successfully defended my PhD on April 11. Since then I’ve been working on revisions, but they need to be turned in by Friday, so will be completely done in just a couple of days.
Just after I turned in my thesis three and a half weeks ago, I started hearing things like, “You must be so happy to be done with your thesis,” or “You must be relieved to have that done,” or “You must feel a real sense of accomplishment.” The truth of the matter is that I didn’t feel happy or relieved. I chalked that up to the fact that I still had my defense to worry about.
For the two weeks that followed, I put together my dissertation talk. In some ways, it sounds like an easy thing after all, it was only to be 20-25 minutes. However, being asked to turn 5 years of work into a 20 minute talk is a real chore. I debated taking auctioneer lessons to learn to talk faster, but settled on giving the digest version of much of the work, and hitting on the important and interesting results. I also studied the concepts in my thesis, so that I would be ready to field any of the weird questions my committee might come up with. All the while, I knew that I would finally feel a sense of accomplishment once the defense was over.
I won’t mince words. I was very nervous the day of my defense. I won’t go into details, but I have to say that as it was becoming obvious that the private questioning by the committee was drawing to a close, I was surprised. I had thought it would be more of an ordeal. Maybe it was because I tried to keep the mood light in the room, at one time even calling one of the committee members a “crazy man” (in jest, of course). But, after it was over, I still didn’t feel my sense of accomplishment. Don’t get me wrong, I was relieved that it was over, but I didn’t feel like I’d done anything great.
Since then I’ve been working on revisions to my thesis, and taking some much needed R&R as I can. Will I feel the sense of accomplishment that I keep hoping for when I submit the final thesis to the University on Friday? I have a bad feeling that the answer is no.
Any regular readers know that I have struggled with my thesis and my role as a grad student ever since I returned to finish my PhD in late 2002. I’ve debated quitting since about a year after I returned. I discovered that I don’t really like doing research, at least under the constraints that my thesis imposed (i.e. meetings only once a month at most, and very little interaction or discussion on my thesis science). I’ve kept going, it feels, only because I’m the kind of person who finishes what they start, rather than finishing to satisfy my need to follow my data and analysis to a logical conclusion. In some way I felt trapped, miserable in what I was doing, but unable to stop because I don’t like to be a quitter.
It seems that my thesis has become more an object of distain, hurt and frustration, so it’s hard to view it as a grand accomplishment. It feels more like I’ve decided to stop hitting myself in the head with a 2-by-4 after years of thinking it was the right thing for me to be doing. There’s not much sense of accomplishment in finally ceasing something that has caused so much pain and frustration. Maybe in a year or two I’ll feel like I’ve accomplished something. For now, I want to throw my thesis across the room every time I look at it.
I’m feeling a little nostalgic for the Socorro days. For those of you who have no clue what the title means, the last year that I lived at the House ‘o Bob, he set up a Commodore 64. A favorite game for all of us residents was M.U.L.E.
In particular, I remember one day when Mushi and Matt were setting up a game of M.U.L.E. I’m pretty sure I had a pile of homework, but they talked me into taking an hour out of the day to play a game. We sat with the front door open, a spring breeze cooling us, and a pile of pistachios in front of us.
The twinge of nostalgia came with a small bowl of pistachios and the scary amount of work I need to get done by yesterday. I can’t help but think that a good game of M.U.L.E. right now would make this thesis-thing better.
Sometime in November I got the notice that I’d be added to the general pool and that would last from Jan ’08 to Dec ’09 nearly 2 years. Of course, being a student was not on the the list of excuses for getting out, so I sent in my information and giggled to Andrew that it would be just my luck to be summoned in early ’08.
I totally wish I was kidding.
Of course, I’m going to try sending a letter explaining my current situation and hopefully the fact that I will be about 5 weeks from defending my PhD will be enough of an excuse to postpone my service.
But still, I really didn’t need one more thing added to my to-do list. I’m using most of my writing energy up just getting this thesis churned out, and now you want me to come up with a professional yet impassioned letter?
Most people know that I’m writing my PhD thesis now, so I frequently get asked how it’s going. I always have to gauge how to answer that question.
The truth? “It’s going very badly, I have unhelpful and unresponsive advisors, I’m behind on the one deadline they finally gave me, and I have no idea what I’m actually going to do with the piles of data that I have. Thanks for asking.” Most people don’t want to know the truth.
A lie? “It’s going great. I have two chapters in really good shape and a third one on it’s way.” Okay, other than the “great” part, that’s not really a lie. Honestly, I think this is the answer I give most people who don’t know me very well. I have a bad feeling that this is what my advisors thing.
Something in-between? “Well, I’ve been struggling here and there, and I’m working on it nearly every waking moment, but it seems to be coming along.” I suppose this one isn’t actually a lie either.
The problem is that when I’m asked this question, I really just want to break down crying. Even with an end in site (ostensibly 5 months, but I have a feeling that it’s going to slip to the summer), I just feel completely overwhelmed. I really am working nearly every waking moment on this thing, whether it’s active writing or compiling data for tables or putting together figures that I may or may not want to use.
I do have one chapter pretty much done (with one more round of comments from my advisors expected on Wednesday). I have the first draft of another chapter in my advisors’ hands right now, and another one is supposed to have been finished last week. That last one is based on a paper, so it shouldn’t be too hard to write, but I’ve been sick since Wednesday, and my head has not been up to any complex thinking, like trying to write.
The problem is that I have at least 3 more chapters to write – a couple on results, some kind of a conclusion and looking to the future, and the introduction. These are the hardest chapters, and I need to actually play more with my data before I know what I can even say in my results.
I seem to be on a 2-week cycle where I work really hard for 2 weeks, and then break down for a day. Fortunately, I have Andrew to see me through my breakdowns. He patiently lets me cry and scream and pout, and then makes me take a break from my thesis, either at the movies or playing “Lego Star Wars”.
I often wonder what my experience would have been like with advisors who actually wanted to chat with me about my research, and who would meet with me more than every 2-3 months. Would I feel less bitter about the process of science? Would I be excited to see what my data would tell us? Would I actually apply to a couple of post-doctoral research positions? Would this final writing push be just a little less stressful?
The truth is that this is the hand I was dealt. I decided to finish this thesis, so I need to just shut up and do it.
I know I’ve said it before, and some of you already believe me. But for those of you who still have faith that I’m not an idiot, please give it up. I am. I have proof.
What’s the latest proof, you ask? Let me set it up a little first.
As most readers know, I’m a grad student. I’m hoping to defend my thesis in March of next year, so a mere five months from now. That means that I’m in the intensive writing stage, in addition to trying to finish up the data analysis. On top of that, I have a half-time real job which sucks up as much time as I let it. Then, there’s my recent travel schedule: in August I was in MN for fun, in September I went to Chicago for a meting, October I was in Huntsville for a meeting. I’m writing this entry from Denver, where I have a meeting. Coming up I’ve got Austin in January (though, I’m trying to get out of this on), possibly Chicago in February for fun, New York in March to run a workshop, LA in April for a meeting, and St. Louis in June for a meeting.
Did you get that? Of the last 6 months in 2007, I will have traveled during four of those months. And of the first 6 months of 2008, I will be traveling at worst 5 of them, and at best 3. While finishing my PhD. And working part-time. And trying to keep myself sane with a small semblance of a personal life.
Here’s where the “me being an idiot” comes in. I agreed to another trip. In December.
Greetings from the Huntsville airport, here in sunny Alabama.
I thought I’d blog earlier this week, with being at a conference and bored in the evenings, and all, but obviously it didn’t happen.
I’ve been at the Eight Years of Science with Chandra meeting this week. I travelled with the Constellation-X booth, but I also had a poster at the meeting. Attendance at this meeting was actually fairly low, but surprisingly, it was the first time I’ve had any interest in my poster from researchers doing work in my field. Yup, I’ve brought posters to 3 or 4 AAS meetings and the last Chandra meeting – all relating to my thesis work, but this is the first time I’ve had a discussion with anyone *in my field*. And they seemed interested in it! I have to say that it’s nice to finally have some outside validation of my work.
Other than that, it was a typical conference. A few interesting talks, a few boring talks, and several talks that I just didn’t understand (either due to language/microphone difficulties and/or due to material).
Yesterday (my birthday…hurmph) the conference ended at noon, so I packed up the booth, and then Felicia and I went over to the US Space & Rocket Center, which was right next door to the hotel. I actually had gone many years ago, when I was in junior high or high school (can’t remember exactly when), with my aunt, uncle and grandma. Sadly, I was a little disappointed this time around. One of the coolest things to see was the Saturn V rocket last time. Now the Saturn V is getting a new home, in an under-construction building next to the main building. Translation: I didn’t get to see it. They also have a mock-up of the Saturn V standing in the “rocket park”, but the area was also under construction, so I couldn’t get up close to it.
Oh well. I did get to see the other rockets, and took some pictures with Felicia (more posted to Flickr later). Plus I got some astronaut ice cream – since I couldn’t have cake on my birthday, at least I got some ice cream.
Why am I doing the happy astrophysicist dance? Because my paper was accepted to The Astrophysical Journal this week! The paper is now listed in the Future Articles section of the ApJ website, but you need a subscription to see the preprint.